Progress

Things are happening! I can walk, well stagger, 3-4 meters unassisted! No frame, No stick, NOTHING, just me. Feels good. GOTTA target Xmas.

Made a remark to our neighbors, they UNDERSTOOD me,  I’m speaking clearer.

Still difficult for me to communicate, a period of time, all the comprehension, the thinking.  

Trying new projects around the house & yard, been difficult, tiring but do-able.

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remember

Image so I have had a bit of a break : re-read so far , and would like to add some bits I’ve missed 

The Dr’s never worked out why I had the Strokes, said it wasn’t lifestyle

I asked the OT if I was going to have another Stroke (2012), she said yes, probably

Speech Therapy is very hard, I did not like it, think it can be better with more pronunciation

I remember demanding my discharge, and the Dr saying ”you’ll be back, or die”, why was it so hard to leave?

I remember my wife being allowed to take me downstairs at ICU , and me having a milk coffee, spilling most on me, and a smoke

My Phsyo advising me because of my brainstem damage, I would never walk again

Waking up in ICU,  being pinched by the nurse, woke me up tho!

The nurse putting my bed next to a window

Me pulling the tubes out at ICU, and the nurses going mad at me

At Rehab and the bareness of it all

Everyone sad, serious, and then others with false joy

My wife used to bring in blended food (I couldn’t eat normal), spag bog blended was my favorite.

The look on the nurses face watching my ”Carer” letting me hold her! (they didn’t know she was my wife)

more to come  …………

“Mask” from Stroke Talk for Facebook

I am very impressed with this, had to ask if I could paste in the Blog.  So many things I can relate to now and before.

“Mask” from Stroke Talk for Facebook

Sick and tired ov trying, 
Done with all this fake smiling. 
I can’t pretend anymore, 
I can’t live this way forevermore. 
I’ve already lost it all, 
So it won’t make a difference if I fall. 
Countless times I’ve tried, 
But once again I have lied. 
I’ve been knocked down for the last time. 
In my head I hear the bells chime. 
Telling me that it’s all over now. 
Redemption is something they will not allow. 
I’m confused about who I am inside. 
The person I used to be has died. 
I used to be so strong, 
Something I thought I would be all along. 
But as time passes I’ve realized, 
That no one ever heard my silent cries. 
I’m giving up the fight, 
Tired ov trying desperately to find the light. 
I’ve been beaten so as to learn my lesson, 
Making me surrender to this depression. 
I’ve been punished so many times before, 
That I’ve lost sight ov all I adore. 
My willpower has been crushed. 
My heart feels as though it will bust, 
From all this agonizing pain, 
Ov knowing that I’m too scared to get back up and fight again. 
Please don’t hurt me, 
I’ll try to be what you wanted me to be. 
I’ll never stray again. 
Never again will I try to find a friend. 
I tried to hid who I really was, 
From everyone I met because, 
I didn’t want to burden them with my pain. 
I knew from that there’d be nothing to gain. 
I soon began to trust, 
Slowly chipping off the layers ov rust, 
And polishing my tarnished heart, 
Only to have it once again be torn apart. 
For every time I reveal who I really am, 
They run away – they don’t understand. 
So in the end I guess I will be what I will be. 
No loyal friend was ever there for me. 
They all turned their backs as soon as I revealed, 
The true part ov me I’d always kept concealed. 
I’m a prisoner inside my own mind. 
I’m the only one ov my kind. 
I’m afraid ov the light, 
Because it’s too bright. 
It’s blinding me, 
Instead ov helping me see. 
Will I ever find someone who will stay by my side, 
And not disappear with the rising tide? 
I’m no more than a prisoner waiting for release, 
And for all this pain to finally cease.

Soapbox Time

this Blog is also informate

Uncle Joe's Reality

After reading complaints from fellow stroke survivors, I thought I would write this as a reaction to thoughtless and insensitive comments from so-called caring persons. I have not experienced any of these myself, but wonder what goes on in the mind of those who make such hurtful statements.

experience is the best (or worst) teacher

Brain damage – something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). Live and learn.
Recovery can be long, difficult, painful and expensive, and can ruin relationships.

walk a mile in my shoes

Some stroke survivors are unable to walk at all. Before you judge me, try living my life for one day.

judge not, lest ye be judged

I was just as clueless and ignorant before my stroke; thought they happen only to the old and infirm. I lived, and learned.

random comments (ignorance is bliss)

“But, you don’t look sick…”

View original post 422 more words

BUT YOU LOOK OK

Yep. looking at me standing there, or ‘walking’ with my frame it all seems ok, What you can’t see is the effort, the concentration, the fatigue. You can’t see the frustrations I have every day, in the most simplest things, even typing this – how much effort, concentration then I see I’ve done it all in Capitals!, delete then redo it. How difficult it is being so strength – weak, my satisfaction at vac’ing the place, followed by the compulsorily 30 min rest due to the fatigue. Standing is a effort, all the inputs involved, balance, weight, strength, breathing, all the auto stuff. Walking with the frame requires heaps of concentration and energy. Would you ever think eating is tiring, how about watching TV, but I look ‘normal’, not sure what ‘normal’ looks like. Sitting outback tires me, talking is a whole different experience ! Asphyxia is quite irritating, and extremely tiring. Have to ‘think’ first, then mentally sound the words, then have a go pronouncing them and it’s slow, slurred, must be done in one breath, can’t breath and talk. frustrating ! Comprehension ! can I understand, I never know till I’m corrected, this is annoying. BUT, I look ok 🙂

does it really matter

time does strange things, looking around I see everyone concerned, researching a bit I find a few NDE experiences similar, I have come to the opinion of ‘does it really matter’. A tree to a mountain, a plant to a tree, life is short, I’m not saying this negatively,or depression-wise, I’m just saying this 🙂 I have learnt that pain has a beginning and a end, you just have to wait; same in that everything round us has a start and a finish, experience. I think we progress from self-pleasure, the pleasure of accomplishing, pride, we need to ‘build’, but in a 100, 1000 years what will it matter? It matters to us! To our consciousness, Maybe if we just sat back and thought about everything, what and why. I don’t know. Not meant to be deep;)  I do believe we are here for a ordained amount of time, if we pass early we wait (maybe in a spirit form) till the accepted time.  So, why try then ? because it is our nature to build, unfortunately we have progressed to destroy. Anyway, I’m digressing, everyone I have discussed with feels this is correct. There is a beginning, and a end,  and it won’t matter much in the end. This is only a experience. Image